


In her dreams

by fortytworedvines



Category: Holby City
Genre: Canon Compliant, Closure, Comfort, F/F, happy ending of sorts, some sort of afterlife
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-08 14:56:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19871488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortytworedvines/pseuds/fortytworedvines
Summary: "Of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it isn't real?"Bernie won't let a little thing like dying stop her from looking after Serena.





	In her dreams

Her office materialises around her. She’s sitting in her chair and Bernie is perched on the edge of her desk, just like she always used to. Bernie smiles softly, “Hi.”

“Hi.” Serena’s voice is cracked and faint from the hours of crying she’s done during the awful, awful day she has just lived through. She studies Bernie, who’s wearing her trauma bay scrubs, hair pulled back into an untidy ponytail and looking very much alive. “What is this?”

Bernie covers Serena’s hand with her own, strokes it gently. “I wanted to see you. Check you’re okay.”

“Do you think I am? You’re _dead_ , Bernie.”

“I know love, I’m sorry.” She’s quiet for a moment and Serena lets herself relax into the comfort of her company.

“Did it hurt?” Serena asks eventually, for this has been tormenting her all day; the agony of Bernie’s last moments.

“No, Serena,” she smiles reassuringly, “All over in a moment.”

“People keep saying ‘she died doing what she loved best’. Like it makes it better.”

“Well, they’re wrong,” Bernie says with a cheeky grin, “Because I didn’t die in your bed, did I?”

“ _Bernie_!”

“Ah, that’s better. Knew I could get a smile out of you.” Bernie slides off the desk, pulls Serena out of her chair and onto the sofa, wraps her arms around her and cuddles her tight. “This is nice. Why didn’t we have a sofa?”

“Because we’d never have got any work done,” Serena retorts.

“Hmm. You’re probably right.” She brushes her fingers through Serena’s hair.

Serena nestles into her. “Bernie, I don’t think I can do this. I’ve been here too many times. I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel.”

Bernie’s arms tighten. “You can, Serena. You’re so strong. Let people help you. Don’t push them away. And I’ll be here, every night.”

“Promise?”

“For as long as you need me, love.” She presses a kiss to Serena’s hair. “Now, you go to sleep.”

Serena closes her eyes obediently, drifts off in Bernie’s loving embrace.

* * *

“Are we going to talk about Alex?” Serena asks, safe in the comfort of Bernie’s arms. It’s been a day, a hell of a day, but somehow she has struggled through.

“If you like,” Bernie says.

“You and she – it didn’t take long.”

Bernie hums thoughtfully. “It wasn’t before Christmas, if that’s what you’re thinking. She’d – asked. I said no. Then, I suppose, there wasn’t any reason to say no any more.”

“Oh,” Serena says, trying to disguise the hurt she feels. It doesn’t work though, not with Bernie.

“She knew she was second choice,” Bernie says quietly, “You were – are – my forever, Serena. But I didn’t want to be lonely. Are you angry with me?”

“No. Surprised. Hurt. Not angry.” She sighs, “I didn’t _want_ you to be alone. I just thought it would take longer to replace me.”

“Nobody could replace you, Serena.”

“I shouldn’t have broken up with you. I loved you. I still love you.”

“I know,” Bernie says, “It’s okay.”

“I always thought we’d end up together, somehow.”

Bernie presses her head into Serena’s. Her voice is soft and sad when she speaks, sadder than she’s been yet in these odd dreams. “Me too,” she whispers.

“Can’t I stay?” Serena’s voice crackles, “Stay here with you? I can’t do it Bernie. I really can’t.”

“You can, Serena.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

Bernie’s silent for a moment. “What if I want you to? Would that help?”

“Maybe.”

“Then you listen, Serena Campbell. This is what I want you to do for yourself.”

Serena does listen, lays her head against Bernie’s chest, lets the steady beat of her heart calm her, and Bernie’s voice wash over her as Bernie lists the things that she’s going to do to keep going.

* * *

Serena doesn’t even realise she’s asleep until she hears Bernie’s voice. She’s lying with her head pillowed on her arms, wracking sobs shaking her body.

“Serena, darling.” Bernie’s arms slip round her shoulders, haul her upright so Bernie can look her in the face. “Oh dear.” She disappears from the room for a moment, reappears with a warm flannel. “Let me,” she says as she sponges Serena’s red, swollen face.

The care in Bernie’s gentle touch and the refreshing feel of the flannel let Serena get a hold of herself, choke back the sobs. “Thank you,” she whispers and Bernie sits back. “Just – just a bad day,” she says to Bernie’s questioning gaze.

“Work bad or…?”

“Everything bad,” Serena sighs.

Bernie tangles their fingers together, brushes a kiss to Serena’s knuckles. “Maybe you should take some more time off.”

“I can’t,” Serena says, “At least if I’m at work I have something to distract me.”

“What can I do to help?”

“Be alive?” Serena says, then feels awful at the look on Bernie’s face. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair. Just – hold me? Please?”

“I can do that.” Bernie slips her arms around Serena, pulls her back so that she’s resting against Bernie. Bernie cards her fingers through Serena’s hair and Serena relaxes into her, feels more normal than she has all day.

“Better?” Bernie whispers.

“Much,” Serena sighs.

* * *

The room that appears around Serena this evening is not her office. It looks remarkably like the boardroom, and there are a number of people, including Bernie, sitting around the table. She coughs awkwardly and Bernie looks around and utter consternation crosses her face.

Serena starts backwards as Bernie grabs her. “Serena! What have you done?!”

“Bernie,” Serena gasps, “Stop it. What do you mean?”

Bernie’s hands are running over her, checking her for goodness knows what. “You shouldn’t be here. What have you done?” she asks again.

“Bernie, you’re scaring her,” another voice says and Serena looks over to the table to see Roxanna Macmillan.

“Roxanna?” Serena says, “What’s going on?”

Bernie ceases her checks, holds Serena’s hand tightly.

“Where are you?” Roxanna asks.

“In bed,” Serena says. She recognises some of the others at the table now. Raf, Arthur, Jasmine.

“Look at me,” Bernie says, tilting Serena’s chin so she can’t avoid her gaze, “What did you do before you went to sleep?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I took some sleeping pills. They worked, didn’t they?” Serena tries to smile.

Bernie sags against her. “Serena, you need to wake up. Will you try?” she says pleadingly.

Serena concentrates but nothing changes. “How?” The boardroom is losing its dreamlike haze and becoming more solid.

“Some help?” Bernie turns to the others with desperation on her face.

“I’ll go.” Raf stands and heads for the door. “It was good to see you again, Serena,” he says before he vanishes into the corridor.

“Keep trying,” Bernie urges Serena. “Please.”

“I am,” Serena says, trying to wipe the terrified look from Bernie’s face. “What are you all doing here?”

Roxanna smiles crookedly. “The DDA. Dead Doctors Association.”

“And you don’t belong here,” Bernie says.

“ _Aunty Serena_.” There’s a voice calling, just on the edge of her awareness.

“Jason,” she murmurs.

“Oh, thank god,” Bernie says. “Thank god.” She kisses Serena’s forehead.

Serena hears Jason again, louder this time, and the boardroom and Bernie fade into darkness.

Serena wakes in a hospital bed with an IV in her arm. Jason is next to her and smiles as she blinks at him.

“It was an accident,” she says, her voice scratchy. “Didn’t mean to overdose.”

“I know,” he says. After a moment, he frowns slightly. “Aunty Serena, do you believe in guardian angels?”

Serena pushes herself up in bed. “What do you mean?”

“I had a dream that you needed help. That’s why I came round. It was very odd.”

“What was odd about it?” she pats his hand, “I’m very grateful you did.”

“I was just having an ordinary dream, it was about trains, I think, and then it changed and Mr Di Lucca was there telling me I had to go to your house straight away because you needed help. It felt so real. I’ve never dreamt about him before.”

“Well,” Serena says after a moment, “Maybe I do have a guardian angel then.” But it’s Bernie, she adds to herself, not Raf.

* * *

“I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“That’s okay.” Bernie brushes her cheek, “You promise it was an accident?”

“Promise,” Serena says lightly. “I’ll be more careful in the future.”

“Thank you. How are you?”

“Surviving.” She can’t sugar coat it. The days are long and hard and sometimes the only thing that gets her through is the thought of Bernie at night. “I’m so lonely, Bernie.”

“What about Fleur?” Bernie questions. “Do I need to go and shout at her?”

“She’s more of a friend for the good times.”

Bernie tangles their fingers together. “I think you’re doing her a disservice.”

“I thought you didn’t like her!”

“I didn’t like her flirting with you in front of me, I don’t dislike her. I think she’d help you, if you gave her a chance. Even if it is mostly with putting away a few bottles of wine.”

“Raf did that when mum died,” Serena says reminiscently, then swallows. “Don’t you see Bernie, I’ve lost _so many_ people.”

Bernie pulls her in close and cuddles her. After a moment she says, “Maybe you should think about dating again.”

“Isn’t it too soon?”

“You’ve been single for over six months,” Bernie reminds her gently. “I bet Fleur would show you a good time.”

“Bernie, you can’t want me to!” Serena twists to see a small grin on Bernie’s face.

“As I can’t experience the pleasures of the flesh any more I’ll have to live vicariously through you. And,” she adds more seriously, “You need a distraction. Something that isn’t work. You and Fleur should go out, have fun. See what happens.”

Serena nibbles her lip. “I feel like I’d be cheating on you.”

“I want you to enjoy your life, Serena, not just get through it.”

“I’ll … I’ll think about it,” Serena says eventually.

“Good girl.”

* * *

“I haven’t seen you for a while.”

“It’s good. Means you don’t need me.”

“It’s not good, Bernie.”

“And, surely,” Bernie winks, “You don’t want to be dreaming about me when you’re in bed with another woman.”

“Ah, you know about that.”

Bernie pulls Serena onto the sofa next to her. “I’m pleased for you. Are you seeing her again?”

“Maybe, I don’t know. It’s weird, talking about her with you.”

“Sorry,” Bernie says, not sounding remotely sorry. “Well, in that case, tell me all about Jason and Guinevere. How are they getting on?”

* * *

Serena is sobbing in Bernie’s arms. “I’m sorry,” she chokes out after a while. “It’s just, just...”

“It’s been a year, I know.”

“I miss you so much.”

“Oh darling,” Bernie strokes her hair softly, “I’m here now. You stay as long as you want.”

* * *

“Jason and Greta had another baby,” Serena says, smiling at Bernie. “And, well, they’ve called her Berenice.”

“Oh no, really?” Bernie groans, “The poor child.”

“It gets worse,” Serena grins, “Her middle name is Wendy.”

“I’ll be having words with Jason, when I see him next.”

* * *

“Happy birthday, Serena,” Bernie says, passing her a glass of Shiraz.

Serena scowls, “Sixty. I feel ancient.”

“You don’t look it.”

“Flatterer.”

* * *

Serena traces Bernie’s cheek with her thumb, studying her hungrily. “I can’t believe I’ve survived ten years in the world without you.”

Bernie presses a kiss to her palm. “You’ve been doing so well. I’m so proud of you, Serena.”

“Cam’s asked me to be honorary grandmother to his little one.”

“I’m proud of him too.”

A single tear slips down Serena’s cheek. “I wish you were here.”

Bernie wipes it away. “Come on now, none of this.”

* * *

“Elinor would have been fifty today.”

“How are you feeling?”

Serena stretches with a groan. “Old? And angry, that she missed out on so much. She might have been a grandmother by now.”

They sit in contemplative silence.

“I wish you’d find somebody,” Bernie says after a while. “You’re too lovely to be alone.”

“I’m a bit long in the tooth now, don’t you think? Besides, I’m happy. I’ve got Cam and Jason and their families. I don’t need anybody else.”

* * *

“I’ve been seeing a lot of you, recently,” Serena looks at Bernie, almost quizzically. “Sometimes, you seem more real than the rest of my life.”

Bernie hums but says nothing.

* * *

Serena feels peaceful. The children and grandchildren have been and gone. She’s even met her first great grandchild. She can feel sleep tugging at her when Bernie appears.

“Bernie,” she says gladly, doesn’t question her appearance in her bedroom.

“It’s time to come home,” Bernie says softly and holds out her hand. Serena reaches for her, stands up with an ease that has been missing for several decades. She looks down at the bed, sees herself lying there. The years fall from her, she straightens, feels vigour flow through her veins.

“Where are we going?” she asks Bernie as their fingers entwine. Bernie pulls her close, kisses her firmly.

“Home,” she repeats, “There are lots of people waiting for you.”

Serena smiles at her. “Let’s go.”

**Author's Note:**

> I found writing this quite cathartic and I hope that it helps some of you too.
> 
> #wolfewake
> 
> (fuck canon)

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20829908) by [ProfessorFlimflam](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProfessorFlimflam/pseuds/ProfessorFlimflam)




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